I will really have to focus my thoughts, or this post could go on for days.
@ the gym few nights ago I had another spiritual awakening. I tend to go late, b/c I prefer it when the floor isn’t so crowded, and there isn’t a wait for the machines. But on the other hand, I love checking out the eye candy, which there’s not as much of before closing.
There was a guy there. Not really the kind of man I envision for myself. Who do I envision for myself? Um, I dunno…., something like
Anyway, so this guy who was there wasn’t Eric Bana. He was maybe 10 years older than me, shaved head. But there was something cute about him. And although he didn’t set off my gaydar, I did see him once in EVITA (our local SPLASH), so I knew he was gay. 5-10 minutes before closing, we were the only two in the locker room. Chill, mofos – I’m not going there. But I mention this, because although we were the only two there, and although we both knew the other was gay, and despite his non Eric Bana-ness and the fact that he looked a smidge like my longtime friend Neil Balick, there was something kind of cute about him, and clearly there is always something cute about ME. But we didn’t chat. Just the usual I-caught-him-looking-at-me-but-then-he-looks-away,-then-I-look-at-him-and-he-catches-me-and-I-look-away,-REPEAT.
When I left the gym, I didn’t go out to a club or to meet some friends. I have two jobs now (more on this in one of the next posts), and a million side projects I’m pursuing, and I’d rather get up early and be productive than stay out late amidst all the secondhand smoke, so I headed home on my bike. I leashed up the Piddley-Petester and went out for a walk around the block…with a stop at Super Baba for some junk food.
OK, now here’s an important part of this post. I didn’t load up at the store with $100 dollars worth of corn syrup & saturated fat laden goodies, then run home to scarf them all down in one setting, then puke them up, then go to another supermarket immediately to do the same exact thing. Thankfully, my food issues are not that serious. But. One way I know how something is up, is that – while this neighborhood block is kind of swinging at this time every night – with several bars packed and peeps out with friends whoopin’ it up – every night I buy a few items from Olga, the young woman who works nights at Super Baba, and has sort of become my friend. I’m always alone, with just my dog, and while my items may vary a little, they are always junk food. And I’m starting to get embarrassed, like waiting for her to confront me with - All the time, it’s just you and your dog…you are alone and always buying junk food before bedtime…but you’re so young and cute, WHY are you always alone, Scott, and what are you covering up ???
Sometimes, the language barrier here is really a good thing. I’ve also had the thought that: Hmm, maybe I’ll buy from a different store tonight, so Olga doesn’t have to see me doing this night after night and I can be more anonymous to a different clerk. Woah, classic alcoholic behavior !!!
Now, look – I’m an addict/alcoholic in recovery. And when I was active in my addiction, my favorite thing was to smoke pot. I wasn’t shooting heroin, or smoking meth, or losing jobs, or estranged from my family, or in&out of rehabs, or on probation, but I was like…
Seriously. Pot addiction is real. It’s such a curse, because you can function really well for a long time, and you’re getting something at least partially satisfying from the drug….enough to keep you going, but at the same time…it’s keeping you from what you really want. But you are alone and anxious and insecure, and – trust me – it’s not a good way to live.
And I see now that I’ve been repeating this old behavior with my nightly junk food trips! Now, I’m not obese. I’m not even fat. For someone about to turn 40, my body is in better shape than probably 85% of the men my age. Except for this junk food ritual, I eat very well (no fried foods, lots of protein and veggies), I work out at the gym every other day. My shoulders and arms and chest and legs and ass all look great. In a (not fitted) tank top and shorts, I’m a total Dish! But with all the work I do at the gym, I should have a nice, sexy 6-pack – Not my little belly.
Hey, my little belly’s even cute; it is tiny; it does not come close to rolling over my belt. And if Eric Bana Hotness came to me with the same little belly, I would have no problems with it and still be super turned on.
But when I’m sitting down, or laying on my side, then – ew, yeah, I don’t like it, and I want to make it go away. Plus, look at this: is this the beginnings of a double chin?
But anyway, my point is: I am healthy and not in any danger b/c of this junk food cycle. It is manageable. For real; I am not just saying that. And it’s giving me some happiness, it really is. I love Reese’s Fast Break candy bars. The peanut butter, no – the nougat!
And if I refuse to allow myself a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s creme brulee, I’m really limiting my junk intake to a candy bar or two, a danish or two, and a few cookies. I work out plenty, this assortment is not harming me, and it does make me kinda happy.
So, what’s the problem?
The problem is: while it does make me kinda happy, it’s not giving me what I really want, which is to be in a stable, caring, sexual relationship with a real partner. And the amount and type of fleeting happiness it does give me actually provides a distraction from what I am really longing for. In fact, it keeps me from seeing and facing my part in the way things are going.
It’s not that I am just not meeting the right guy yet. ‘Cause this is what I have told myself. This one is nice and kind, but not cute enough. This one is cute enough, but too young. The chemistry is great with this one, but he is too “creative” like me, and not enough of the “rock” that I want; I’m the creative one. It’s very much like how Jerry and George used to go through women on Seinfeld. This one’s got man-hands, that one’s a low-talker, this one’s bald, that one talks weird during sex, etc. I have had a few relationships. But they’ve been with men that were wrong for me. And, I have been really attracted to some men sometimes, but they’ve not been interested in me, or they were unavailable for some reason.
WHY hasn’t the right guy shown up yet?
This is the spiritual awakening part. He hasn’t shown up yet, because I am preventing him from showing up. Homo say what? Yes, that’s right. Because sub-consciously, I don’t want him to show up. I want him NOT to show up. I know what you’re thinking, and no – I don’t know why. That’s why it’s my subconscious, you dummy! (sorry) I say it’s what I want, except I don’t really want it. Because, I am such a wonderful catch, that there is no good reason for me not to already be with somebody. Something is wrong. I am preventing it from happening, and that is why I am still single, and I can see that clearly now.
What are you going to do about it?
Pray. I’ve started asking God: God, please give me the willingness to allow a true partner to come into my life. Or, because I’m not entirely sure that I even really want to become willing to have him show up: God, please give me the willingness to become willing to allow a true partner to come into my life.
It felt so good to be this honest with myself… to see clearly and accept my role for what’s (not) been happening in my life.. and to take this action. I had prayed before for God to send me a boyfriend, but this was a totally new thought for me: to ask for help becoming willing to receive my partner. That’s the real Awakening part -to think this new thought for the first time. Yay, me. And thank you, God.
Postscript: I told a recovery friend of mine about this spiritual awakening, and she said it sounded to her as if some recent formal spiritual work I’ve started is already paying off. I hadn’t considered this until I heard her say it. Wow, the program really can do some amazing, 4th Dimension shit.
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