Gefilte Fish Out of Water

May 22, 2010, 12:43 pm
Filed under: Identity, Infrastructure | Tags:

It was one of those “In Case of Emergency, Break Glass” maneuvers.  When my weight gets to a certain point, it feels like every “sensible meal,” every 5- mile jog – just has no effect.  I know of course it does, but my fat rolls try and convince me otherwise.

So, I go on a colon cleanse Beyonce’s diet I starve myself the Master Cleanse.  Intended as a detox for your colon and intestines, but with strong weight loss properties, the Master Cleanse – while controversial – is safe to do between 10-30 days.  I’m cool with it despite all the Haters, b/c my doctor from New York gave me her blessing, and I have done it successfully three times before (10 days twice, 7 days once).

Anyway, with summer arriving, and me topping out at 183 pounds, it was time for the MC again.  I loaded up on 50 lemons and 200 grams of cayenne pepper at the Shuk and found Israel’s only connection to importing Grade B maple syrup.  (Grade A, while it might sound better, is actually more refined.  Believe me, if all you’re “eating” is maple syrup, you want the less refined kind with more nutrients).  Yeah, I found this guy who owns a health food store and – with one phone call, made a case of Grade B show up the next day, so I bought the entire case.

Click the MC link above for all the deets (or Google “Master Cleanse,” “master cleanse lemonade recipe,” or some other variant), b/c I don’t want to explain it all, but in a nutshell:

  1. You make a lemonade of 10-12 oz filtered water, 2 tbsp fresh squeezed lemon juice, 1/8 tsp cayenne pepper.  Drink 8-12 glasses of it a day, whenever you feel hungry.  (But really you can drink as much as you want)

    2.   In the mornings, mix a quart of warm water with 2 tsp of sea salt and drink it down. (Nasty!)  Called “brackish water,” it’s not salty enough to make you vomit, but it is salty enough that your body fast-tracks it through you system, and you “poop soup” 30 minutes after drinking it, for about four rounds on the John.  (Don’t make plans or leave the house for the next 90 minutes.)  Also called  “top down enema,” this is what flushes the toxins out of your body that you have dislodged from your intestines by drinking the lemonade.

Anyway, that’s it.  I went for 12 days this time and lost 17 pounds!  It’s a week later, and I’m holding steady at 170 pounds, a net loss of 12 pounds.  Perfectly happy with this.


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