I will really have to focus my thoughts, or this post could go on for days.
@ the gym few nights ago I had another spiritual awakening. I tend to go late, b/c I prefer it when the floor isn’t so crowded, and there isn’t a wait for the machines. But on the other hand, I love checking out the eye candy, which there’s not as much of before closing.
There was a guy there. Not really the kind of man I envision for myself. Who do I envision for myself? Um, I dunno…., something like
Anyway, so this guy who was there wasn’t Eric Bana. He was maybe 10 years older than me, shaved head. But there was something cute about him. And although he didn’t set off my gaydar, I did see him once in EVITA (our local SPLASH), so I knew he was gay. 5-10 minutes before closing, we were the only two in the locker room. Chill, mofos – I’m not going there. But I mention this, because although we were the only two there, and although we both knew the other was gay, and despite his non Eric Bana-ness and the fact that he looked a smidge like my longtime friend Neil Balick, there was something kind of cute about him, and clearly there is always something cute about ME. But we didn’t chat. Just the usual I-caught-him-looking-at-me-but-then-he-looks-away,-then-I-look-at-him-and-he-catches-me-and-I-look-away,-REPEAT.
When I left the gym, I didn’t go out to a club or to meet some friends. I have two jobs now (more on this in one of the next posts), and a million side projects I’m pursuing, and I’d rather get up early and be productive than stay out late amidst all the secondhand smoke, so I headed home on my bike. I leashed up the Piddley-Petester and went out for a walk around the block…with a stop at Super Baba for some junk food.
OK, now here’s an important part of this post. I didn’t load up at the store with $100 dollars worth of corn syrup & saturated fat laden goodies, then run home to scarf them all down in one setting, then puke them up, then go to another supermarket immediately to do the same exact thing. Thankfully, my food issues are not that serious. But. One way I know how something is up, is that – while this neighborhood block is kind of swinging at this time every night – with several bars packed and peeps out with friends whoopin’ it up – every night I buy a few items from Olga, the young woman who works nights at Super Baba, and has sort of become my friend. I’m always alone, with just my dog, and while my items may vary a little, they are always junk food. And I’m starting to get embarrassed, like waiting for her to confront me with – All the time, it’s just you and your dog…you are alone and always buying junk food before bedtime…but you’re so young and cute, WHY are you always alone, Scott, and what are you covering up ???
Sometimes, the language barrier here is really a good thing. I’ve also had the thought that: Hmm, maybe I’ll buy from a different store tonight, so Olga doesn’t have to see me doing this night after night and I can be more anonymous to a different clerk. Woah, classic alcoholic behavior !!!
Now, look – I’m an addict/alcoholic in recovery. And when I was active in my addiction, my favorite thing was to smoke pot. I wasn’t shooting heroin, or smoking meth, or losing jobs, or estranged from my family, or in&out of rehabs, or on probation, but I was like…
Seriously. Pot addiction is real. It’s such a curse, because you can function really well for a long time, and you’re getting something at least partially satisfying from the drug….enough to keep you going, but at the same time…it’s keeping you from what you really want. But you are alone and anxious and insecure, and – trust me – it’s not a good way to live.
And I see now that I’ve been repeating this old behavior with my nightly junk food trips! Now, I’m not obese. I’m not even fat. For someone about to turn 40, my body is in better shape than probably 85% of the men my age. Except for this junk food ritual, I eat very well (no fried foods, lots of protein and veggies), I work out at the gym every other day. My shoulders and arms and chest and legs and ass all look great. In a (not fitted) tank top and shorts, I’m a total Dish! But with all the work I do at the gym, I should have a nice, sexy 6-pack – Not my little belly.
Hey, my little belly’s even cute; it is tiny; it does not come close to rolling over my belt. And if Eric Bana Hotness came to me with the same little belly, I would have no problems with it and still be super turned on.
But when I’m sitting down, or laying on my side, then – ew, yeah, I don’t like it, and I want to make it go away. Plus, look at this: is this the beginnings of a double chin?
But anyway, my point is: I am healthy and not in any danger b/c of this junk food cycle. It is manageable. For real; I am not just saying that. And it’s giving me some happiness, it really is. I love Reese’s Fast Break candy bars. The peanut butter, no – the nougat!
And if I refuse to allow myself a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s creme brulee, I’m really limiting my junk intake to a candy bar or two, a danish or two, and a few cookies. I work out plenty, this assortment is not harming me, and it does make me kinda happy.
So, what’s the problem?
The problem is: while it does make me kinda happy, it’s not giving me what I really want, which is to be in a stable, caring, sexual relationship with a real partner. And the amount and type of fleeting happiness it does give me actually provides a distraction from what I am really longing for. In fact, it keeps me from seeing and facing my part in the way things are going.
It’s not that I am just not meeting the right guy yet. ‘Cause this is what I have told myself. This one is nice and kind, but not cute enough. This one is cute enough, but too young. The chemistry is great with this one, but he is too “creative” like me, and not enough of the “rock” that I want; I’m the creative one. It’s very much like how Jerry and George used to go through women on Seinfeld. This one’s got man-hands, that one’s a low-talker, this one’s bald, that one talks weird during sex, etc. I have had a few relationships. But they’ve been with men that were wrong for me. And, I have been really attracted to some men sometimes, but they’ve not been interested in me, or they were unavailable for some reason.
WHY hasn’t the right guy shown up yet?
This is the spiritual awakening part. He hasn’t shown up yet, because I am preventing him from showing up. Homo say what? Yes, that’s right. Because sub-consciously, I don’t want him to show up. I want him NOT to show up. I know what you’re thinking, and no – I don’t know why. That’s why it’s my subconscious, you dummy! (sorry) I say it’s what I want, except I don’t really want it. Because, I am such a wonderful catch, that there is no good reason for me not to already be with somebody. Something is wrong. I am preventing it from happening, and that is why I am still single, and I can see that clearly now.
What are you going to do about it?
Pray. I’ve started asking God: God, please give me the willingness to allow a true partner to come into my life. Or, because I’m not entirely sure that I even really want to become willing to have him show up: God, please give me the willingness to become willing to allow a true partner to come into my life.
It felt so good to be this honest with myself… to see clearly and accept my role for what’s (not) been happening in my life.. and to take this action. I had prayed before for God to send me a boyfriend, but this was a totally new thought for me: to ask for help becoming willing to receive my partner. That’s the real Awakening part -to think this new thought for the first time. Yay, me. And thank you, God.
Postscript: I told a recovery friend of mine about this spiritual awakening, and she said it sounded to her as if some recent formal spiritual work I’ve started is already paying off. I hadn’t considered this until I heard her say it. Wow, the program really can do some amazing, 4th Dimension shit.
Filed under: Feelings
So, between the emotional high of the NbN Olim Welcome Ceremony, the obsessive high of playing with my new toy, and the fabulous third interview I had, yesterday was one of those rare, truly high-point days, brought on by this special trifecta. Maybe not the best day Ever, but definitely something special was going on, because I could feel it.
I still can’t talk about the details yet, but – you know that corporate blogging position I teased in a post this week? Well, I had been second guessing myself about my performance on the second interview. Maybe I was too enthusiastic; too much “Scotty P” when I should have been more “F. Scott Piro.”
Anna had fabulous insights about his. She basically just said, No, you were just you, and that’s what’s going to get you the job, not being ‘anyone else.’ (♥ her!!!) Same day as the second interview, me and the co-owner Tweeted each other and he told me, Stay tuned…I may want you to speak to our co-owner in America. My brain was like – ‘May’?…why ‘May’ (vs. definitely)…what does that mean: he’s not sure? Again, Anna has Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions-level insights when she fires out without a beat, I’ll tell you what ‘May’ means: it means he has to talk to his colleague in America before he can say yes, and the colleague will do either one of two things: he’ll either say, ‘Yeah, I wanna talk to this guy. Set it up,” or he’ll say, ‘You know what, I don’t really need to talk to him…if you like him, then that’s all I need to know.” Dude, that makes so much sense! Anna is a frigging genius, and she really calmed me down about things.
But the guy said he would get back to me either that same afternoon of the second interview (which was Monday), or the next day. Yesterday, I was like, Shit. Today is two days later; he said he’d be back to me by now. Uh-oh…maybe I was too enthusiastic and easy with him, as if I’d already gotten the job. Plus, the woman he interviewed after me (who I saw), did look smart. Maybe the more he thought about it, the more he was leaning against me.
Although…in the positive superstition department, I did have my most Terrible Hair Day of 2009 for this interview. I’m growing it out again, and my standard ‘long-hair hair product’ isn’t working as well as it usually does; my old bottle may have gone bad, or something. Anyway, my hair was doing these serious windblown-like Botticelli curls on meth or something. This is actually good, b/c I also had terrible hair for the job interview that landed me my last job, and I got that. Also, I’ve remembered I have all these great learning-Hebrew podcasts on my iPod, and I’ve been listening to them lately as I ride around town on my bicycle because I haven’t hardly picked up a book and done any other studying Hebrew since finishing Ulpan three months ago, and I’m forgetting Hebrew faster than Tiger Woods is losing sponsors. Anyway, I finished one of them mid-bike ride over to the second interview, and when I started the next one, it “just happened” to be titled “The Coffee Shop.” (I’ve been coy, but from that clue, plus the image at the top of the post, you can glean that this is relevant.) Definite good omen!
So, I got back from my emotional high of a morning at this NbN Aliyah Welcome Ceremony thing – drenched, because it has started pouring, and I had to ride my bike home in it. I decide to email the guy and say, Hi, any news? Well, turns out he had emailed me two days ago !!! I’ve been using an email address to communicate with him that I don’t usually use; it’s one I dedicate just to writing projects, and I first learned about this opp through the CIWI yahoo group. I should have caught it on my BlackBerry when it came it, but somehow I didn’t. So, Yay! – I returned the email immediately and also replied to him on Twitter.
Later that afternoon his partner in America called. It was quite funny, actually, b/c we kept having crappy reception over Skype and calling each other back, and then my dog Petey had to go out because he had been inside a long time, and the American partner said he would call my cell phone, but I had put the SIM card in backwards on my new BlackBerry, so he couldn’t…but then I figured it out and he did call…as I was being pulled downstairs by my dog, AND my neighbor just happened to pass by going up the stairs, which caused Petey to lunge and jump up on her…all the while, I’m trying to sound professional and serious. It was really some screwball comedy shiz.
Long story short, I wound up having a great conversation with the guy, and there was a good connection there. He asked for some writing samples, which I sent over last night. If I get this, it will be part-time at first (20 hrs/week), and I’ll have to maintain my current job’s 39 hrs/week, also. (But since I’m so broke, this is actually a good thing.) But – if I like working with them, and they like me and the job I do, AND if this startup continues to grow and the funds are there, they stated that there is definitely the potential that it could turn into a full time position.
Which it totally is going to, BTW. I can feel this, and I know it.
Yayee, McYay !!!
New column is up over at iGoogled. Please RT and share the eff out of it on Facebook. It’s kinda good, I swear.
Last week I wrote about having a really fun time at Big Boys, a bi-weekly dance party for gay guys over 30. One of the cool things about the night was this guy I randomly met on the dance floor. Some of his friends knew some of my friends, and that’s how we all wound up dancing together.
Look, I showed him this blog, so it’s very possible he’s reading this, so I have to be careful not to come off even more psycho. But this is REALLY where I’m at now, and this is what I know to do about it, so – here goes.
It’s actually nothing major. The friends were Olim (immigrants to Israel) who had been here for 20+ years, so I assumed the same thing about this guy. It turns out he’s right off the boat, only here a few weeks. Then, we really quickly established that we’re from the same small suburb from Pennsylvania. It was really some coincidence!
We seemed to click and made a date to have coffee this week. We enjoyed one another’s company and the chemistry was there, too. We talked a bunch more times during the week on the phone and went out again last night.
That’s when he told me at the end of the date that he “doesn’t know what he wants.”
Actually, I can’t fault the guy. I know right where he is; it was me less than a year ago. He’s just landed in a new country, doesn’t speak the language, is finding a place to live, doesn’t have a job yet. Absolutely no need for me take this personally, because it’s not meant that way. No sour grapes.
But I’m disappointed, and all I can do is feel that until it passes. Well, that and eat lots of high-fructose corn syrup and saturated fat. Already coming off of Hanukkah (when we eat lots of sufganote, or powdered jelly donuts), I’ve had about 10 danish and 6 “Fastbreak” candybars since yesterday. Sorry, but cottage cheese with Splenda was just not going to cut it. At least I didn’t go the Ben & Jerry’s route. This display had more carbs but not as much fat.
Actually, I’m kinda pleased with my tummy photo up there. It’s really not that bad. And if that’s what I look like at close range without ‘sucking it in’ and after a major pig out…I’m doin’ alright. Anyway, back to the gym hardcore tomorrow.
If you read G-Fish regularly, you’ll know that Petey practically thinks his name is Ehzay Chamood (Hebrew for What a cutie!). Girls and guys are powerless to his cuteness charms. But so far, it hadn’t translated into putting a ring on my finger.
There’s a very cute physical therapist I went out with back in April. I really liked him. It wasn’t just his (very good!) looks. It was this über kindness & chill vibe he exuded. So, I asked him out again, but he told me he had a boyfriend.
But did he really? I had reason to suspect this wasn’t true. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. He lives in the neighborhood, and we have always been friendly when we bump into each other.
Well, last week, Pete and I ran into him and his dog on the island/walkway in the middle of a boulevard. Of course, he was very taken with Pete. We caught up while Petey and his dog played with one another. I was thinking it, but rejoiced inside when he said Wow, they play so nice with one another. You should both come over sometime, and we’ll have a coffee while the dogs play.
Even if he was thinking only of the dogs and not trying to just get me to come over –
So what !?!
Petey and I are so going over there and colluding to make him my husband! So, I waited a couple of days and then texted my future husband him Hey, Petey and I would really like to come over for a playdate. He responded pretty quickly with Great!
So, we aimed for this weekend, but it didn’t happen, because I had such an incredibly booked weekend. But we did speak, and we’re going to make the playdate happen this week.
Petey is eating filet mignon this week.