Gefilte Fish Out of Water

It’s not the heat. It’s the crazy – muthaeffin – ridonkulous – please – kill – me – now – I – can’t – stand – it – it’s – so – hot – why – God – why? heat.
July 28, 2009, 10:28 pm
Filed under: Struggles
Just another typical July morning in Tel Aviv.

Just another typical July morning in Tel Aviv.

But it’s so hot, mami, so hot !!!

OK, for months peeps were hyping the Israeli summer to me.

You’re gonna die!

It gets so hot, you feel like you can’t do anything or even move, all you can do is sit there.

We fry falafel on the hoods of our cars.

I was nervous.  After all, I hates to schvitz.  I much prefer spring and autum, and actually the older I get, the more I even dig Bitch, it’s freezing! winter.  It’s crisp!  It’s cool!  It’s like you’re walking around in a giant refrigerator, so fresh and well-preserved.

But summer?  And especially a humidity-laden summer?  Hates it !!  I just do not likes to schvitz.

But, you know, come on – could it really be that much worse than New York?  In the northeast U.S., we get a phenomenon called the Bermuda High.  Basically, warm air moves across the Gulf of Mexico and out over the Atlantic in a circular pattern, picking up moisture as it moves up the coast.  It’s gross.

Even up to two weeks ago – mid July -, this alleged “horrible Israeli summer” hadn’t materialized yet.  I was not even using the air conditioner in my apartment.

Well, it finally showed up.  And yeah, it does suck.  But it’s really weird – it’s different than humidity grossness in the northeast U.S.  In New York or Philadelphia where I grew up, in the height of the humid summer months, you step outside, and it’s just like – WHOMP! – you literally feel like you’re crashing into this thick, heavy dead air at like 90 mph.  It’s literally just literally just like this – WHOMP! – and it just kinda drops on you, and you can barely move through it, or like, even hear.

That does’t happen here.  You go outside, and….can still feel a breeze.  And, I dunno, the air just isn’t that heavy.  But.  The sun is so s-t-r-o-n-g, so hot.  It’s like Vegas Hot.  Like, Arizona Hot.  Like, that shiz just shizizzles.

Similar to New York, all you have to do is the tiniest amount of activity…walk up one flight of stairs, ride your bicycle one block, etc. – and the waterworks (sweating) starts.

But, the sweating is kind of worse here.  Like, even if you’re sitting down in air conditioning in class, and feeling fine and cool and refreshed….or if you’re sitting outside at a cafe, but in the shade and also feeling kinda cool and refreshed, it never fails: your shorts and underwear are kinda sweaty and stuck to your butt and bottom of your thighs when you get up.  It requires a kind of  “peeling off” step. 

And things can only be worn once before they have to go into the wash.  Like, in New York, if I wore a pair of shorts for just a few hours and didn’t play sports in them or really do anything stenuous, I’ll fold ’em back up in the drawer to wear again another time.  No use wasting needless energy and water to clean them when they’re not dirty, or Al Gore would get pissed.  But here in Israel?  Uh-uh, after one outing, those things are done.  Ripe.  Wet around the waistband.  Gross.

Not into it.



Butt-sweat montage

Butt-sweat montage


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