Gefilte Fish Out of Water


Got my bike back.
June 5, 2009, 11:14 pm
Filed under: Feelings, Struggles

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Much of today was crap, too.

I wanted to go back to Dizengoff Center and see if my bike was no longer locked under someone else’s chain, but I was afraid of walking all the way there and finding nothing had changed.

I was unhappy with the way my curtains were hanging and wanted to take one of them down and go back to the dressmaker who hemmed it.  But I was waiting for my friend (an interior decorator) to get back to me first to come over and take a look, so we could correctly diagnose the problem and I could be specific about the instructions to give that would fix it.

I wanted to just stay in bed all day and escape through sleep, but I had to be at AA at 1:00 p.m., because I am the co-chair of this particular meeting.  So, I did my service and showed up (good boy).  But I was in a bad way, and I’m sure I gave off some bad energy.  I sat next to the speaker, a man I like and whose sobriety I admire.  But I couldn’t stay awake, and I dozed – though I tried to open my eyes every once in a while and nod at parts I identified with.

I made my peace with sleeping at meetings a long time ago.   As long as you don’t snore and disrupt the meeting for anybody else, it is fine.  You’re still getting the message; it seeps in through osmosis; you’re not sleeping deeply; you know when to wake up and clap.  Plus, it’s pretty wonderful to be able to feel relaxed, comfortable and safe enough there to be able to fall alseep.  And, if you’re that tired, you obviously need the rest, so it’s good that you’re getting it.

But this was a small meeting, everyone sitting around the little table.  And I was seated right next to the speaker.  This was the first time I was hearing his story.  We’re both regulars at this meeting.  I bet you he thought it was pretty rude of me to sleep through his story.  I really did hear him at the time, and felt plenty of identification.  He was very inspiring.  But my consciousness was hazy, and I don’t remember much of the details now.  Plus, I was the only person in the meeting who didn’t share afterwards.  But that was because my mental state was crap, and I wasn’t “in the right space” to contribute anything positive.

I didn’t go with everyone for coffee after, but instead went home to isolate and sleep for 4 1/2 more hours.  I was screening my AA sponsee’s calls (not cool).  My friend Bret woke me up.  He needed our office’s keys from me and would be coming over.  I asked if he’d be passing by Dizengoff Center.  He said he could go that way if I needed him to.  I described the bike and its location and asked him to see if it was still chained up to the other guy’s bike. 

Bret came over with some good news.  The other bike was gone!  And attached to my bike was the note above.

Yay.  I walked over and got it.  What an emotional hangover I had !!!  I’ve been at this cafe more than five hours, blogging a mix of confessional posts and saved-up ones from earlier in the week, trying to get all this ick out of my system and get mentally healthy again. 

It’s working.

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